Chaos

Chaos

My life is filled with pain and chaos. This is a common thought among the minds controlled by depression. In any single moment of my life, I struggle with the simplest of things. Getting out of bed, getting changed, and walking my dog. All things that I work so hard to control in my life never pan out. I work so hard to keep myself at an equilibrium. We all do, in fact most of life can be boiled down to simply trying to keep our self’s balanced. If we are thirsty we drink, hungry we eat, but what if we are lonely? The normal human might say that you must go socialize. But what do you do when your own brain won’t let that happen. What happens when the world seems hopeless around you. You lie. Lying becomes your life. You lie to feel normal, you lie to feel balanced. But as your lies become more and more work. As appearing normal becomes harder than than everything else, your life is thrown into free fall. As a normal person treads the water of life they have separate life rafts of people that they can grab onto for help. A person consumed by lying simply is trying to keep their nose above the water, while simultaneously pushing away all help. When your final coping mechanism fails, when lying finally becomes too much work just like getting up or putting on clothes what do you do. Your life now in chaos, all forms of help have been thoroughly pushed away, what do you do. To feel normal, to put your life back together to feel balanced. Well there is only one thing to do, only one way that your brain sees as a way out. That is to die. You see yourself as unimportant, as a burden to those around you. That simple thought that the world would be better without you is extremely hard to explain. The feeling of not being needed, is a troubling thing to think about, say a mother of three has just had a bad day, the rational thought is to play with your kids, to find a way to be happy. A depressed mind see this bad day as a death sentence, her mind sees her kids life as more important than hers. If they grow up with a depressed mom they might have to take care of her as they grow. They to might become depressed. So logically in the sad woman’s mind death seems logical. If she is simply not around, there would be less hardship for her kids. Not thinking about the emotional impact her death would leave upon them. This chaos of the mind can be our worst enemy, overcoming it is hard, but in the end life is so much better than the alternative.

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