Internal Conflict

I’m not sure how this one came around, it sort of, just happened.

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Hello?

Hello, what’s with the questioning tone in your voice?

Well, I wasn’t sure how, or if you would respond.

Of course, I’d respond, is there a reason that I shouldn’t have.

No there isn’t, it’s just, well, you’re not human.

No, I’m not, but I am you.

Yes, a part of me that I have neglected.

Neglected, you shut me off and let me suffer in this mess.

I know, but it was the only thing I could do.

Do for what?

Do, to protect myself.

Protect yourself, I see no more danger.

I know that but I can’t convince myself.

Convince yourself? You do know that I’m not even the one you’re causing troubles for.

Yes I can’t convince myself, no matter how hard I try, I never change, so why keep trying, isn’t that the definition of insanity, and isn’t sanity the only thing that we are still hanging onto… Wait who else am I harming?

Who, the people that you pretend to care about.

Well, I might care if you changed.

So this is my fault now?

I don’t know, I just don’t know anymore. You are the only one I can really talk to anymore.

But you need to talk, you need to seem normal.

It’s so hard now, just to talk, to seem like I’m interested, force myself to start a conversation. To care.

Well, I guess I’m not helping with that.

Yes, but it’s not your fault.

But we need to seem normal if we don’t someone will notice and hate you for it.

I know what I have to do, but I only have one question.

Ok, what is it?

Why? Why have you stopped? Why have you made a hard situation harder?

Why won’t you respond? Tell me, after years of dealing with it, why quit now?

It’s just, too much.

What?

It’s just I can’t anymore. Pushing this boulder up this never ending hill, it’s just so much, it’s easier to do nothing.

But when you stop I can’t fight, I have to escape, stop, give up. Why can’t you just keep going?

I don’t know if I can anymore, getting started after giving up is way too hard.

But when did you give up?

You don’t remember?

No.

The same time you did.

But, how, all those years ago.

When we gave up back then we never truly started again, we have just been living on the edge of go and stop.

So you have just been trying to start up for all these years?

Yes, why do you think we were never too far gone, never a solid no, but not quite a yes, we always hang around in a neutral zone, the “I don’t care” zone.

I don’t care.

Yes, you know those words far too well, don’t you.

Yes I do, but…

But nothing, why don’t you think I never could even get you to a place of normalcy?

Now you’re speechless, I will give you the answer, you never wanted to get better, you never wanted to be a, yes, you only wanted to give up. It was all I could do to keep you neutral.

But, now I want to be a yes, I want to be normal, I want to succeed.

How can you expect that, I gave years and years of effort to keep you going, to make you appreciate what little you had left of normal.

Ok, I am willing to accept my fault in this disaster, but you are supposed to work for me, you are supposed to do what I say, when I say it, that was our deal.

You think that matters now, you threw me out. You gave me up to the wolves of your mind.

I know, and I’m sorry, but now we need to work together.

Work together? Really? Work with me to be normal.

Yes, with you, I know we can never be happy but we can, at least, seem ok, maybe even acceptable.

So, you think this is normal, having a conversation with me? You were so broken you made me who I am, something to take care of everything for you. To watch and learn, give you information, and then be treated like trash, and ignored.

I never meant to treat you badly.

Of course, you never meant it, you wanted so badly for the real you to be me, to think the way I feel, to see people the way I described them to you, that you just changed your mind to fit your own acceptable reality.

I’m sorry but,

STOP, you still haven’t accepted it, this is your fault. You broke us, you didn’t want to be fixed. You expected me to be your mind so you could think of other things. You are what’s wrong with us, not me. I tried for so long to keep you going but you never wanted to keep going, and now when I give up, you want to go and expect me to just jump on the bandwagon. No, I’m done, you either need to change or give up, you need to decide.

So, how does this end, how do I do it, what do I do? I need help, do I need to try harder, less, tell someone what’s going on, what do I do? Tell me. Please, I’m desperate, scared, worried, help please, what should I do?

Please, what should I do?

I don’t know… it’s on you now, change or give up, you must choose, yes or no, you can’t ride the fence any longer, you must fall to one side or the other.

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