Warning, These stories will offend you, these are stories written in delirious tiredness at three am with a friend. We each write a couple of sentences and pass it off to the next person. Don’t judge just because of the the stories, they are UN PC and extremely offensive, they are just meant to be written for comedic purposes. Well you have been warned, if you wish to continue reading do so at your own risk. Also they aren’t rely funny unless your tired to.
Alistair was walking in the park one day, when he saw Albert Einstein’s poster on the side of a building. he thought to himself…well, fuck. I’m a pathetic piece of shit that doesn’t deserve to be alive. Alistair didn’t have a poster. he didn’t have a mother. all his friends had tried to kill him, before killing themselves. grandma peter Jackson had one dog named bitch. it was a male dog named ironically, because it was an asshole. the dog loved edm, and listened to satanic chants, but when questioned by authorities, shot the grandfather and itself in the head. and just then, alistair awoke from his delicious dreaming. he looked around his room, blank as ever. bleak nothingness, just like his soul. beheaded rats lined the room, as the day before, he had pulled them off one by one. the only thing keeping his dark life together, was his dog named chip. chip was a small wiener dog that was missing all four legs, so chip was just a sausage. the only way the dog could move was by wriggling around on the ground like a snake. the dog, chip, was limbless as a result of a skiing accident two winters ago…chip did not partake of skiing, but in fact Alistair had been such a shit skier that, in his rage at his own mediocrity, he forcibly removed his dog’s limbs. being the psychopath that he was, and being fully aware of his own condition, Alistair had taken to harming animals instead of humans…an acceptable substitute that he had thought of in his mind. he found that he gained pleasure by hurting smaller, weaker creatures. as this morbid thought crossed his mind for the seventeenth time today, his alarm sounded, reminding him that he had to go to his job at Walmart. every morning, at three thirty am, he would would awaken after six minutes of sleep, and immediately hallucinate about his own death. after this, he would brush his teeth with a bottle of jack, like the millennials of whom he was so fond. he would then brandish his ass less chaps and company polo, enter his shitty car, and arrive at work far too early. in fact, his job actually began at nine am, but he was fucking insane. upon arriving at his job at Walmart, he would look at the homeless people lining the stores corner, and proceed to piss on the ground uncontrollably. the urination felt so good that he proceeded to shit uncontrollably as well. he would walk down the side of the store and cover every homeless person with the stench of awfulness. many might consider the sheer amount of shit and urine to far exceed that which could conceivably and mathematically exist in even twelve people at the same time. still, unimpeded by physics, anatomy, biology, and many other fields, Alistair would continue to seemingly generate such waste out of the limitless beyond until he felt inclined to break and enter the store. in truth, he had actually been fired seven years prior, but after numerous burning alive and non consensual orgies, it was clear that no man, nor militia could rid the world of his pestilence. just then, six year old jimmy awoke from his six day bender of hookers and blow, and proceeded to go to kindergarten for only the fifth time in three months.