The tree stood about 15 feet tall and only 6 feet wide at its thickest point near the middle. It was a pine tree that I had planted in my back yard 15 years earlier in my adolescence. I had helped dig the hole to put in the small sapling. If I remember right my father did most of the digging and heavy lifting. I did what I could as I was very little at the time. Although my dad did a good job making it seem like I was helping. The tall green majestic tree that stood before me today was nothing like the small weak sapling that we put in the ground all those years ago. When we planted it, the tree was no bigger than a foot high with only a couple branches separating off the main trunk no bigger than an inch around. Each branch covered with only a few needles poking off the sides like a prepubescent first armpit hair. Continue reading “Generation”
A Diverse nation. Colored in all different races. Accepting of all, and turns away no one. We shout to the rest of the world, “Look at our freedom!” These word are like our battle cry, we yell them conviction and certainty. We show off our perfect system, we tout around as the kings who will bring about success. Yet none of this is true which is so sad to say. We are slaves to our system. We reject people at our borders like the Jews and Syrian refugees. We have riots over race, cops scared to do their jobs, and nation with its citizens with their heads so far up their own asses that it has become so muddled people have accepted it as normal. Families raised on beliefs socially unacceptable saying fags burn the flag and Muslims are terrorist. As our nation grows politics has become a joke, in the age where those who have the most twitter followers can gloat about about how females belong in the kitchen, and simultaneously say that Mexican need to leave and support you in the poles. Yet most of us stand in the middle, questioning everything, looking at fine print in a charity service. Trust has all but vanished, common decency is dead. We look to the future wishing it all put to bed. But all the future hold is a world changed by social media, vehicle, you and me moving this planet closer to death one year at a time knowing we won’t be left with this problem but our children might be.
My life is filled with pain and chaos. This is a common thought among the minds controlled by depression. In any single moment of my life, I struggle with the simplest of things. Getting out of bed, getting changed, and walking my dog. All things that I work so hard to control in my life never pan out. I work so hard to keep myself at an equilibrium. We all do, in fact most of life can be boiled down to simply trying to keep our self’s balanced. If we are thirsty we drink, hungry we eat, but what if we are lonely? The normal human might say that you must go socialize. But what do you do when your own brain won’t let that happen. What happens when the world seems hopeless around you. You lie. Lying becomes your life. You lie to feel normal, you lie to feel balanced. But as your lies become more and more work. As appearing normal becomes harder than than everything else, your life is thrown into free fall. As a normal person treads the water of life they have separate life rafts of people that they can grab onto for help. A person consumed by lying simply is trying to keep their nose above the water, while simultaneously pushing away all help. Continue reading “Chaos”
Leaving my home alone to head for the beach changed me. I had come to the beach to be alone and had gotten my wish. The boardwalk was empty besides for me, no one in sight or earshot. The earlier fight with my parents roused it’s ugly head in the back of my mind. Peering out from behind the dark corner of my brain that I worked to hard to keep down. I didn’t like fighting with my parents, but my depressed brain had other views for my future then my parents, and neither willing to compromise. I wanted help but depression wouldn’t let me. Help. Continue reading “The Beach of Depression”